


loser takes it all

by couldaughter



Category: Taskmaster (UK TV) RPF
Genre: Gen, Screenplay/Script Format
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-18
Updated: 2018-12-18
Packaged: 2019-09-22 09:51:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17057567
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/couldaughter/pseuds/couldaughter
Summary: GREG: Are you wondering why we have chosen these five of all our illustrious losers? Are you burning with curiosity?GREG leans towards the camera, glasses glinting in the light, Santa hat sliding low over his brow.GREG: Tough luck.





	loser takes it all

**Author's Note:**

  * For [EcclesCake](https://archiveofourown.org/users/EcclesCake/gifts).



We open on the TASKMASTER studio set. It has been festooned with Christmas decorations at a volume previously unseen on Freeview television. Tinsel is absolutely fucking everywhere. The camera pans across the stage before coming to rest on LORD GREGORY DAVIES, Taskmaster and disgraced secondary school drama teacher. He is wearing that classic Poundland Santa Hat that says BAH HUMBUG, because the author is not above the obvious.

GREG [intense]: Hello and welcome to Taskmaster: You Lose Some, You Keep On Losing Some! A Christmas treat for lovers of crushing despair, this is the all losers series absolutely no-one has been waiting for. I’m sure no-one is excited to meet our returning champions of utter failure. Bad luck, because I’m about to introduce the lot of them.

GREG turns in his seat and gestures towards the row of comedians sat opposite. The chairs for this series seem to have lost about six inches in height - JOE WILKINSON is sprawled awkwardly across the stage, legs akimbo.

GREG [with great passion]: The task-illiterate Alice Levine!

ALICE LEVINE is sat with legs crossed at the ankle, PRINCESS DIARIES style, and is wearing a characteristically chic jumper with the word ‘FUCK’ embroidered in silver across the boob area. It is a very good jumper. The Etsy shop she got it from is bound to be inundated with orders after broadcast. She nods at the camera, mouth a firm line of determination. ALICE is here to win.

GREG: A man who has never met a potato he couldn’t throw, Joe Wilkinson!

JOE waves from his position on the floor - he is wearing his standard brown suit and a paper crown. He looks somehow regal despite everything.

GREG: Britain’s sixth favourite princess, Lolly Adefope!

The camera cuts to LOLLY ADEFOPE, sat with her hands clasped around one knee. She waves in the royal style before tilting her head and smiling winningly at the camera. LOLLY is wearing a lovely printed shift dress and a tiara that looks like one a five year old might get from a magazine. She is absolutely rocking it.

GREG: It’s... Nish Kumar!

NISH KUMAR is sat as if he is on the IRON GODDAMN THRONE. He is wearing his standard black suit with a black shirt, but has jazzed it up with a light grey tie. He gives GREG an insouciant salute, and accidentally pokes himself in the eye.

GREG: And finally, a woman who once genuinely asked me if kangaroos were just fucked up rabbits - Roisin Conaty!

ROISIN CONATY cackles freely and winks directly into the camera. Her hair is bouncy and her romper is floral. ROISIN is clearly here tonight to have a good time, and fuck the consequences. We could all do with being a little bit more like ROISIN.

GREG: Are you wondering why we have chosen these five of all our illustrious losers? Are you burning with curiosity?

GREG leans towards the camera, glasses glinting in the light, Santa hat sliding low over his brow.

GREG: Tough luck.

THE AUDIENCE are delighted by all of this. They go fucking wild. You would not believe how excited THE AUDIENCE are to watch five incompetent people try to untangle ALEX HORNE’s dastardly tasks. And speaking of ALEX HORNE…

GREG [sing-song and delighted]: And on my right as always, the smallest man to ever lose a limbo contest against me - and you would not believe the forfeits he agreed to - it’s…

GREG pauses, waiting for the inevitable.

THE AUDIENCE [in delight]: Little Alex Horne!

ALEX HORNE smiles wanly at the camera, showing off his collection of teeth and looking generally a bit hopeless.

ALEX: Thank you Greg! The autocue tells me it’s time for a full ninety seconds of classic Greg ‘n Alex style banter, and I certainly hope the audience is ready for a couple of absolute gut busters!

THE AUDIENCE is so ready. ALEX turns hopefully towards GREG, with the air of a puppy completely aware it is about to be kicked.

GREG: Do you know, Alex, I think it’s about time we executed that contract you signed a few years ago.

GREG reaches into ALEX’s inside jacket pocket and extracts a geometrically unlikely scroll. It is vellum and the ink is a suspicious brown colour.

ALEX [nervously]: Oh really? This contract right here?

He pulls out a different scroll from a pannier basket on the side of his chair. It is also vellum, but much smaller.

GREG: No, I mean this one.

GREG waves his much larger contract in the air. It rustles ominously.

GREG: The one that will finally allow me to tell the world exactly how I got you this job.

ALEX looks even more nervous, ducks his head, and sighs as he presses his iPad screen. A PHOTO appears on the viewing screen - a photograph of ALEX sat forlornly on a suitcase at an unnamed train station. He is wearing his black suit and a very small red hat. A loop of twine around his neck bears a tag saying ‘FREE TO A BAD HOME’. THE AUDIENCE shrieks with laughter. NISH looks as if Christmas has come early - and in a way, it has, because this episode is being filmed several months in advance of its Christmas broadcast date. The magic of Dave.

GREG: And it was on that day that you got your name.

ALEX: Yes, Alex Horne. After the famous London train station.

ROISIN: Yeah, it’s on the far end of the Bakerloo line. None of the trains like to stop there ‘cause of the smell.

ALEX: Exactly, Roisin, thank you.

ALEX looks down at his iPad with an audible sigh. GREG rubs his hands together in glee. His Santa hat has already slipped several inches to the side of his head.

GREG: Time for a task Alex, come on, we don’t have all night! Some of us have families to go home to.

ALEX looks hopefully towards GREG, who pats him on the elbow.

ALEX [comforted]: Alright, well, I thought we’d start things off with a prize task! Just like we have every episode for so many years that honestly I’m surprised no one finds it tedious!

THE AUDIENCE titters.

ALEX: This time we’ve asked the contestants to bring in the most interesting map they could find. The contestant with the most interesting map gets five lovely points and the rest get arbitrarily ranked because really, we’re sort of a Whose Line for the twenty first century.

GREG: You do realise they’re still making Whose Line, Alex?

ALEX: American remakes are a ruse, Greg. We all know that.

ALEX looks directly into the camera, then towards the contestants. THE AUDIENCE isn’t quite sure what to make of this slightly meta commentary.

ALEX: Whose map would you like to see first?

GREG: I’d love to see Alice Levine’s map, please. I can only imagine the kind of worldly travels she’s embarked on as a result of her exposure on this very show.

ALICE perks up in her chair and grins. She spreads her hands as if to say ‘You are going to love this one.’

ALICE [cheerfully]: You are going to love this one, Greg. I have procured for you a map which is not only interesting but also, and I’m just going out on a limb here, genuinely useful if you happen to be on a long car journey and pass by a farm shop.

ALEX: Alice has brought in a novelty tea towel.

GREG [resigned]: Of course she has.

ALICE sighs dramatically.

ALICE: Honestly, Alex, petal, it’s not just any old novelty tea towel. Please show the audience the fruits of my recent family trip to Cheddar Gorge.

An image of a novelty tea towel appears on the big screen. At the top are emblazoned the words CHEESES OF ENGLAND in a pleasantly calligraphic font.

ALICE: See, you’ve got Wensleydale, you’ve got Caerphilly --

ROISIN [incensed]: Caerphilly’s in Wales though, this tea towel is false advertising.

ALICE rolls her eyes.

GREG: Yeah, we’ll get Ofcom to pounce on the tea towel production industry. Too long they have lingered in the shadows making metric tonnes of absolute dogshit to churn out at hapless tourists like yourself, Alice.

ALICE: You don’t like it?

GREG pushes his glasses up the bridge of his nose, and narrows his eyes.

GREG: I’ll be honest, Alice, I’m undecided. I love cheese, you know, but we’ve uncovered this Ofcom level scandal in the industry now and I just don’t know if I can support that through the very real, tangible medium of points on this very show.

ALICE looks peeved.

GREG: Right, next?

ALEX: Let’s go with Nish.

GREG sighs.

GREG: Oh, goody.

NISH rubs his hands together in glee; his left ankle rests on his right knee; NISH is the picture of relaxation.

NISH: I have a great one for you today, Gregory. A truly great contribution to the Taskmaster canon. A veritable tour de force.

ALEX presses his iPad screen. A napkin with a crudely drawn map of the world appears on the projector screen.

GREG looks at NISH with complete despair in his eyes.

NISH: Now it may not look like much! But this is the map myself and my very good friend Joel made before the pitch meeting for our television show. You know, the programmes they make for the television?

GREG: I’m aware of the concept, yes.

He looks down the camera lens, challenging.

GREG: Now, this is impressive conceptually, but -- I’m just not buying that you didn’t draw this in the green room five minutes before you came on. Honestly I keep expecting a pen to roll incriminatingly out of your trouser leg.

NISH guffaws in delight. A pen conspicuously does not roll out of his trouser leg.

GREG: Right, who’s up next?

ALEX looks at his iPad and sighs.

ALEX: It’s Joe Wilkinson!

THE AUDIENCE bursts into rapturous applause. JOE waves at them halfheartedly, still sprawled across the stage.

JOE: Thank you, thank you very much everyone.

GREG: What have you got for us then? And pray to God it's good because honestly I'm losing the will to live right now.

JOE gets a look on his face. THE AUDIENCE holds its breath.

JOE: I thought interesting meant kind of, fiddly and complicated, so I've got a postcard showing the fjords in Norway from when I went to Norway this year. Not much more complicated than fjords, right?

GREG sighs.

GREG: Alright, Douglas Adams. What was the holiday like? As boring and long-winded as this task is turning out?

JOE: Oh no, it was lovely. If you look really closely at the postcard you can see the town I stayed in, it's called Førde. Great people, lovely people.

GREG: I already regret asking. Lolly! Please save this fucking show from mid-broadcast cancellation.

LOLLY smiles sunnily, clasping her hands around one knee and leaning forward.

LOLLY: I wasn't sure how to approach this task at first, but then my mum sent me this map of average penis size by country and I realised that nothing is funnier than a bellend.

ALEX puts his head in his hands.

LOLLY: It goes all over the world and I have to imagine whoever investigated this one had a hell of a time.

THE AUDIENCE laughs a bit harder than this really merits. GREG looks only vaguely intrigued, but that is a definite improvement at this point.

GREG: Any interesting titbits from this one?

The map pops up onscreen with a series of arrows pointing at potential countries of interest. ALEX looks very sad.

ALEX: I'm getting some shouting in my ear, Greg. Just to let you know that the shouting is happening.

GREG: Oh, so am I my little friend. That's just how we live now.

LOLLY: I think the map speaks for itself, Greg. Just bask in it for a bit, see what  _you_ take away from it.

There is a period of dead air while GREG inspects the map, before he startles suddenly. Shouting is just barely audible, presumably coming from his earpiece.

ALEX: Last up it's Man Down's most notable star Roisin Conaty! 

ROISIN guffaws in delight. 

ROISIN: Alright, look, I'll be honest with you Greg. We've known each other a long time. I don't care about winning this.

GREG: I never would've guessed.

ROISIN: Alex, please.

ALEX pressed a button on his iPad. An ORDNANCE SURVEY MAP appears on the screen in all its orange glory. GREG looks at it in silence for a few moments.

GREG: Alright, I've seen enough here.

He turns, rips off his Santa hat, and looks directly into the camera.

GREG: It's time for an ad break - and I don't expect any of you to come back.

THE AUDIENCE applauds as the camera retreats. After the break THEY will have to witness all five contestants creating a farm animal mosaic, but you? Our faithful reader? You can escape that fate. Have a Merry Christmas and treat yourself to some  _real_ Taskmaster.


End file.
